Where to begin? Honestly, just writing the title of this post made me emotional. A lot of things make me emotional these days, maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s the state of the world, maybe it’s motherhood, probably all of it. I’ve put off sharing this post for a while because quite frankly, how do I even put this into words? Here’s my best shot…
On Becoming A Mom
So, let’s try this again, where to begin…let’s start here. I remember someone asking when I told them I was pregnant if I was going to delete that post. Why would I do that? I still stand by that blog post and I am proud of it. I think it’s important that we recognize there is no one right way to do life. At the same time, life throws you curveballs, then what? Well, I always said I didn’t want to have a child until I was ready, until I felt the urge.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was not ready, and I did not have the urge. I was, to put it politely, scared shitless. I don’t really know what switch went off in my brain or what changed, other than when I told Craig I was pregnant and I saw his reaction, I knew there was no turning back.
Pregnancy was hard for me. To be more blunt, it was AWFUL.
I probably sound like a broken record, but hyperemesis almost broke me. Truly. Watch Amy Schumer’s new doc Expecting Amy if you want to get a glimpse of what it’s like. Physically I was a mess, but it also took a huge toll on my mental and emotional health. There’s a lot of things you’re “allowed to be” when you’re pregnant, but miserable is not really one of them. The general expectation that you should be so excited and so happy to be pregnant ate away at me. I did feel lucky and grateful, but I also despised almost every second of being pregnant, and that scared me.
We were sitting at dinner with friends (remember when we used to do that?!) about a month before my due date and I remember asking them (parents of two kids under 3), “what if I don’t love my baby?” They sort of chuckled and replied with something like, “trust me, you will.” I wasn’t all that reassured.
It was hard for me to feel the connection that it seemed like every other pregnant woman talked about. Of course I had moments of excitement but a lot of the time I was just faking it for the sake of everyone else (when people ask how excited you are to be having a baby, no one wants to hear you reply with “I don’t know”). Generally speaking, pregnancy left me feeling guilty and stressed that I wouldn’t be a good mom or worse, I wouldn’t enjoy it.
Six months in to being a mom, here’s what I can say…
I remember not wanting to lose myself, being afraid that becoming a mom would change me. It HAS changed me, in the best ways. I remember not wanting my life to change and being afraid of how becoming parents would impact our relationship. Our life HAS changed. Our relationship has never been stronger. When I first held Marin in my arms, the bond between us was unbreakable. Somehow, my love grows deeper for her everyday. I didn’t know my life could get any better. I thought it was perfect just the way it was.
Becoming a mom changed me in ways so profound there are no words to describe it. There was no “aha moment” when I felt ready to become a mom. It’s a journey that has unfolded in the most beautiful and surprising ways over these last 6 months. It can be hard, but I can say with 1000% certainty it is worth it. Becoming a mom is the best thing I’ve ever done, truth be told, I never expected that.